I have been having a lot of dark dreams lately. It is getting to the point that I am actually having anxiety attacks (or panic attacks) in the waking world. I'm not sure if this stems from my vehicle constantly breaking down, living with my parents while being a parent, working two jobs, my grandfather's death, or having to choose between something that I am not ready to make a choice in. Maybe its all of it? Maybe it's only part of it. Most of dreams involve someone I truly love, this someone is either leaving me, or dieing. Most of the time it's one person, but there are times, like this morning when I had two people I loved leave me. I think my dreams are lashing out at me for all the pain that I hold in. It is consuming, which makes it so much harder to fight.
The only thing that has been keeping most of the negative affects at bay is the two friends I have that I have to constantly talk to. Every day I am texting them or calling them. At one point I had to actually stay the night with one of them because the pain nearly decided that I needed to be physically ill. No longer having an appatite and loosing five pounds in a week probably isn't helping that illness either. But, he has an ability to take that pain from me and make it his own (don't ask because I don't f*cking know how he did it) and IT DID work for a little while and I was able to smile and laugh again. But the affects are starting to ware down on me again.
Quite honestly I am at a loss. Normally when I deal with this much pain I simply run away and start anew.....but I have a child to consider. It is not fair to uproot him simply because I have a lot on my plate. I also have the inability to run right now because working at a convience store constantly reminds me there are people out there who has a harder life with no home at all. As well as working at a pain rehab center to remind me there are people out there who are in a lot more pain and now have to deal with a lot more stress. It is a hard lesson to learn. Now I need to learn to deal with it.